The decision was made to not go on the trip. After melted electrical car stuff, tornadoes, and just bleeding money, I decided to...was forced by Spirit...to listen and stay home. But, I still took the time off. That's what was really needed, time for me to just be home and get intune with something or another.
This was the beginning of one of the darkness. I was home, but could not talk to the person that knew me best. I felt abandoned. PHEW THERE I SAID IT. It felt as though he just left me out there without a warning or a word. I felt incomplete and not good enough.
Why did I say that to him?
Why didn't I answer that text two weeks ago immediately?
Why did I tell him about the physical abuse? He probably thinks I'm weak.
Why did I cry in front of him those times? He probably thinks I'm weak.
Why did I open up so completely?
Why didn't I only lose 10 pounds and not 20? He thinks I'm too fat to talk to.
Why am I so much older?
Why did I have my tubes tied?
Why did I move here?
Why did I tell him about the dreams?
Why
Why
Why
Am I never enough?
Believe it or not, I didn't shed a tear. Everything just went through my mind like a hurricane. I wrote this blog entry because feeling this way was going to drive me crazy. I wrote his full name on one of the pieces of paper to burn. This cord needed to be cut. This tie needed to be broken. This pain needed to stop. Even as I type it now, I can go back to that time and feel the pit and pains of my heart. How do you mourn the breakup of a relationship that you never had? And yet...not a tear.
He did bring up a package for me, the one we discussed before, because it was too heavy. I didn't see him and I guess he's a ninja because I didn't hear him either. He just sent a text saying it was there and asked about my dad. I said he's doing better and that was that.
How can I hate you when you are still so good to me? How can you be so caring and selfish? Asshole.
It was at that point that I also cut off my connection to the Divine. Now listen. I don't mean I severed it. It means the energy I used to block Solomon drained me of the energy I had in reserve to receive my own messages. Basically, I was draining my own battery. Self-Sabotage.
Even in my past darkest times, I could feel the presence of God. But now, it was just a huge void. A Black hole of my own creation.
Finally around that Wednesday, I got tired of feeling so alone. And surrendered for the first time. When that happened, a guide came through and said for me to pray. I did. I prayed for myself. Prayed for Solomon. Prayed for my children. Just prayed and prayed. I accepted the situation as it was and said I needed to keep moving because I had a mission. Asked for guidance.
It was at that moment, my other business was born. Spirit shifted everything in the universe to work out for me to learn and create. Seriously...EVERYTHING SHIFTED!!! And by the 28th, I wrote this entry.
And then I went back to work.
Monday, I came home and could hear him downstairs. See, it's one thing when there's radio silence, besides that one text. It's another when you can hear his voice. Yet, I had the business to keep me going. New Moon came and then it was on to my birthday week countdown. Ramadan started, and he sent a text. I didn't want to respond, but did anyway with a "Thank you brother." Yeah I hit him with the brother. (Right now I can hear him and his family talking...mixed in with my daughter laughing in her office with her friend)
That next night I got home from work. Parked in front of our building at first, but was guided to part down further. I had no idea why spiritually, but logically it was because a car was driving crazy the other night and hit a pole close to where I was. Hell nah bruh.
After moving the car and getting out, I walked up the block. Solomon was standing there talking at some guys at the tire shop two doors down. I kept looking straight ahead. He said nothing. I said nothing.
Torture.
That night, I went to bed. Woke up around 5 am to get ready to leave for the gym but cried. Not baby tears but giant rivers. I let all of the pain go. Released everything I was holding in. Finally I got up and walked to the bathroom and step in water. I was kind of out of it and thought maybe it was from the sink when I washed my hands at some point in time. Anyway I clean it up and keep going. Walk back in and see more water. So I clean it up again just in case it was not fully cleaned before. Underneath the sink was not wet. Toilet wasn't leaking. I had no idea where this was coming from. So I told Little to keep checking and let me know if there's anything. If there was, I would let Solomon know.
I did not want to talk to him. I was hurting so badly.
Later on that day, my daughter locked herself out of the house. I left early for work to go to the office gym. By the time I showered, she called. "Call Solomon to see if he can let you in"
"Ok." "He didn't answer"
"I'm on my way home but text him just in case."
Ok so folks, I work an hour away from home going against traffic. That means, I'll be driving into traffic to get to her. She was in the building but locked herself out of the apartment. I have a bench on the landing and she had beverages too. Which means she had a place to sit that was safe and indoors, libation and internet on her phone. She was good.
I got home, let her in and jumped on a conference call. Had to drive back to work because of a team celebration. But took the time to mail off some orders for clients before going back in to work. Soooo...it all worked out. Also there was no further water happening.
Uhmm....where did it come from then? At this time it was a sign of my tears.
About 2 hrs after getting to work. Solomon sends a text apologizing. Actually he sent three. I told him it was all good. He sent three to Little as well.
This is the torture. He's there but not there. He's in but mostly out. I felt played with. I felt betrayed. I felt like I was doing all of this work for God to be playing with my emotions through him. But, I also felt the love which was even worse. I am important but not important enough to let in.
The following week is my birthday. Around the end of the day he sends a happy birthday text. I was making some food when it came in. The phone is connected to my fitbit, so I could see the message scroll by. I didn't know how to respond. I was so hurt. It's not even mad. It's just plain pain. I was keeping up my part of the mission, but still feeling like I'm not good enough for the partner that I'm supposed to do the mission with. What is this lesson??? So I didn't respond at all.
Then, the handle for the sink broke. I mean it broke out of nowhere. I was turning it on to rinse my hands and it just popped off. I was like "Oh I can fix this." Which it worked temporarily, but would still fall off. So I had to swallow my pride and call Solomon my landlord. So I sent a text. Remember how this all started in the first place? Avoiding.
I sent a text with a picture of the faucet. Basically said "This just happened. Thank you for the birthday greetings btw. However this just happened. Little will be home all day tomorrow so feel free to take a look while I'm at work."
He didn't respond and really Spirit was guiding me to say the real. So I did. I don't have any screenshots but it was essentially me saying that he ghosted me. That it was unfair. That we should just keep it business because a friendship should not be this hard. blah blah blah. It wasn't overly emotional (like all women I checked with my girl who is actually super logical) and he responded with first addressing the sink...then the rest. We went back and forth for about 3 texts until I stopped it. Basically I said, "Let's just keep it business and thank you." He responded with something and I went on with life for that night.
I was not mad. I was no longer hurting. I felt actually relief that it was finally out there. His response was his response and mine were mine. We had a right to our feelings as individuals and I'd continue moving forward on my own within our home under the same roof but different floors.
Then came the 15th...
This was the beginning of one of the darkness. I was home, but could not talk to the person that knew me best. I felt abandoned. PHEW THERE I SAID IT. It felt as though he just left me out there without a warning or a word. I felt incomplete and not good enough.
Why did I say that to him?
Why didn't I answer that text two weeks ago immediately?
Why did I tell him about the physical abuse? He probably thinks I'm weak.
Why did I cry in front of him those times? He probably thinks I'm weak.
Why did I open up so completely?
Why didn't I only lose 10 pounds and not 20? He thinks I'm too fat to talk to.
Why am I so much older?
Why did I have my tubes tied?
Why did I move here?
Why did I tell him about the dreams?
Why
Why
Why
Am I never enough?
Believe it or not, I didn't shed a tear. Everything just went through my mind like a hurricane. I wrote this blog entry because feeling this way was going to drive me crazy. I wrote his full name on one of the pieces of paper to burn. This cord needed to be cut. This tie needed to be broken. This pain needed to stop. Even as I type it now, I can go back to that time and feel the pit and pains of my heart. How do you mourn the breakup of a relationship that you never had? And yet...not a tear.
He did bring up a package for me, the one we discussed before, because it was too heavy. I didn't see him and I guess he's a ninja because I didn't hear him either. He just sent a text saying it was there and asked about my dad. I said he's doing better and that was that.
How can I hate you when you are still so good to me? How can you be so caring and selfish? Asshole.
It was at that point that I also cut off my connection to the Divine. Now listen. I don't mean I severed it. It means the energy I used to block Solomon drained me of the energy I had in reserve to receive my own messages. Basically, I was draining my own battery. Self-Sabotage.
Even in my past darkest times, I could feel the presence of God. But now, it was just a huge void. A Black hole of my own creation.
Finally around that Wednesday, I got tired of feeling so alone. And surrendered for the first time. When that happened, a guide came through and said for me to pray. I did. I prayed for myself. Prayed for Solomon. Prayed for my children. Just prayed and prayed. I accepted the situation as it was and said I needed to keep moving because I had a mission. Asked for guidance.
It was at that moment, my other business was born. Spirit shifted everything in the universe to work out for me to learn and create. Seriously...EVERYTHING SHIFTED!!! And by the 28th, I wrote this entry.
And then I went back to work.
Monday, I came home and could hear him downstairs. See, it's one thing when there's radio silence, besides that one text. It's another when you can hear his voice. Yet, I had the business to keep me going. New Moon came and then it was on to my birthday week countdown. Ramadan started, and he sent a text. I didn't want to respond, but did anyway with a "Thank you brother." Yeah I hit him with the brother. (Right now I can hear him and his family talking...mixed in with my daughter laughing in her office with her friend)
That next night I got home from work. Parked in front of our building at first, but was guided to part down further. I had no idea why spiritually, but logically it was because a car was driving crazy the other night and hit a pole close to where I was. Hell nah bruh.
After moving the car and getting out, I walked up the block. Solomon was standing there talking at some guys at the tire shop two doors down. I kept looking straight ahead. He said nothing. I said nothing.
Torture.
That night, I went to bed. Woke up around 5 am to get ready to leave for the gym but cried. Not baby tears but giant rivers. I let all of the pain go. Released everything I was holding in. Finally I got up and walked to the bathroom and step in water. I was kind of out of it and thought maybe it was from the sink when I washed my hands at some point in time. Anyway I clean it up and keep going. Walk back in and see more water. So I clean it up again just in case it was not fully cleaned before. Underneath the sink was not wet. Toilet wasn't leaking. I had no idea where this was coming from. So I told Little to keep checking and let me know if there's anything. If there was, I would let Solomon know.
I did not want to talk to him. I was hurting so badly.
Later on that day, my daughter locked herself out of the house. I left early for work to go to the office gym. By the time I showered, she called. "Call Solomon to see if he can let you in"
"Ok." "He didn't answer"
"I'm on my way home but text him just in case."
Ok so folks, I work an hour away from home going against traffic. That means, I'll be driving into traffic to get to her. She was in the building but locked herself out of the apartment. I have a bench on the landing and she had beverages too. Which means she had a place to sit that was safe and indoors, libation and internet on her phone. She was good.
I got home, let her in and jumped on a conference call. Had to drive back to work because of a team celebration. But took the time to mail off some orders for clients before going back in to work. Soooo...it all worked out. Also there was no further water happening.
Uhmm....where did it come from then? At this time it was a sign of my tears.
About 2 hrs after getting to work. Solomon sends a text apologizing. Actually he sent three. I told him it was all good. He sent three to Little as well.
This is the torture. He's there but not there. He's in but mostly out. I felt played with. I felt betrayed. I felt like I was doing all of this work for God to be playing with my emotions through him. But, I also felt the love which was even worse. I am important but not important enough to let in.
The following week is my birthday. Around the end of the day he sends a happy birthday text. I was making some food when it came in. The phone is connected to my fitbit, so I could see the message scroll by. I didn't know how to respond. I was so hurt. It's not even mad. It's just plain pain. I was keeping up my part of the mission, but still feeling like I'm not good enough for the partner that I'm supposed to do the mission with. What is this lesson??? So I didn't respond at all.
Then, the handle for the sink broke. I mean it broke out of nowhere. I was turning it on to rinse my hands and it just popped off. I was like "Oh I can fix this." Which it worked temporarily, but would still fall off. So I had to swallow my pride and call Solomon my landlord. So I sent a text. Remember how this all started in the first place? Avoiding.
I sent a text with a picture of the faucet. Basically said "This just happened. Thank you for the birthday greetings btw. However this just happened. Little will be home all day tomorrow so feel free to take a look while I'm at work."
He didn't respond and really Spirit was guiding me to say the real. So I did. I don't have any screenshots but it was essentially me saying that he ghosted me. That it was unfair. That we should just keep it business because a friendship should not be this hard. blah blah blah. It wasn't overly emotional (like all women I checked with my girl who is actually super logical) and he responded with first addressing the sink...then the rest. We went back and forth for about 3 texts until I stopped it. Basically I said, "Let's just keep it business and thank you." He responded with something and I went on with life for that night.
I was not mad. I was no longer hurting. I felt actually relief that it was finally out there. His response was his response and mine were mine. We had a right to our feelings as individuals and I'd continue moving forward on my own within our home under the same roof but different floors.
Then came the 15th...
Comments
Post a Comment